Uncomfortable

So...yeah. last night at home=total fail.

I was planning on going out to dinner with the family then go to sleep and leave in the morning. like I always do. nope, not this time.

They picked me up from Outback because I was there saying goodbye to everyone, which I hate doing. We drove to Champps and everything was FINE. Something happened with the host, who by the way, was like kinda slow and weird. so I understand where my mom was coming from but she was just really rude to her. and like made ugly faces. which she really doesnt realize she is doing, so I just made sure she knew what was going on..

she flipped out. I was "being rude and had been this whole trip, even my father agreed. and I shouldnt tell my mom what to do because I am the child and it's not my place. blah blah blah."

yeah so I got up from the table and left. in tears. I just didnt want to be there anymore and sit there. absolutely uncomfortable beyond belief. so I decided to leave.

mom came out and talked to me..RUDE.

dad came out and talked to me and made me come back in and half-ass apologize. yeah not so fun. mom didnt take it seriously whatsoever.

awkward car ride home. just awkward everything. so as soon as I got home I packed up the rest of my car and got ready to head back to school.. they really didnt want me leaving because they didnt think it was safe enough for me to drive but I just had to get out of that house. if I would have stayed, it just would have not been fun at all. and so awkward.

so I left. cried. cried some more. yeah.. got here and went straight to Lucy's house and we talked forever. and it made me feel SOOO much better. you have no idea. I love her and my whole Phi Mu family in general. they are absolutely amazing. and I couldnt be happier! so then came back here. homegirl was being a bitch. didnt say anything really.

now its wierd. whatever. but I'll be gone soon, no worries. and then shes SOL.

yeahhh lovin thattt!

so today is my day to relax and unwind. take it easy. be happy again. oh man...

With Love

Ask?

So I am a LITTLE frustrated right now. I mean, I have every reason to though, sooo..

Thomas, the new beau, was supposed to come to Roswell today to meet the fam and just hang out with me and stuff. Yeah, so I didn't really wait for him because I did go and do my own thing, but at the same time, I was like expecting him as was mom and dad. So come like 7pm rolls around he finally decides to text me and really, honestly thinks I am ok. Are you kidding me? I was so not ok. I just wanted to cry and I was so upset about it. Tried to play it off though. He didn't really respond first, then he realized I was pissed. He apologized but it still doesn't make it any better. Like I am still kinda upset.

I feel weird right now. Like I really like him, but I just don't know what to do or how our relationship is going. Like it's just kinda there. Like we aren't official yet, but I know we should be. or will be soon. I dont know. I am confused. And I don't wanna ask him because I don't wanna be like awkward or trying to be controlling or "crazy." ya know. so I am trying to be patient and not worry about it, but it is SO hard. SOOO hard. We'll see.

School is good. Grades are good. Phi Mu is good. I still wish school was in Roswell, but it's getting better. Like I am sorta wanting to go back right now, which is weird. I am like bored here. Which shocks me.

Anyway, I will update sooner than later.

With Love

home sweet home

HOME. for Thanksgiving break. finally.

will update later.

With Love

Sleeeeep

Cant sleep! I will be driving down to Mercer today!

Move in to college! start my new life..

goodbyes tonight were too hard. I dont know how I am going to deal with this...I love all my friends so much and really didnt want to have to say goodbye this soon...

I will miss them so much!

With Love

2.

Ahhhh..This all feels so surreal!

I have 2 days left in Roswell, Ga.

2 days to say all my goodbyes.

2 days to prepare myself for the best years of my life.

2 days to convince myself this isn't a dream.

2 days to be ready, because ready or not, here it all comes.

crazy.

well I went for my check up with Dr. Steele. we have our love-hate relationship, but whatever! Umm..I found out that I am positive for anemia. very positive. for my age, it should be between 12-16% for hemoglobin count. mine was 9.7%. she said that if it was anywhere near 6%, I would have been admitted to the hospital. That was another one of those frightening moments in my life. goodness. So I got bloodwork done and we're gonna find out where it is coming from or what is causing it. Basically, my Iron levels are low. Which I believe is from lack of Iron intake. almost positive. I need to work on that. We talked about my ED. I need to fix it. Ive got the weight and everything under control now just need to work on my mindset. Which theres counseling at college and possibly thinking about going to that. maybe it will help me out! we'll see how I feel about that later.

I am going to have a sleepover with taylor and jessica and nathan tonight with jersey shore! ahh..our last one :( thats so depressing. jeez..it scares me so much!

I hope that I am ok to say goodbye to them. they really have been there for me no matter what these past couple months and I cannot thank them enough! its been a crazy ride! well worth it though!

I am gonna miss everyone so much! But Ive been talking to this girl, Elizabeth Cope, who is going to Mercer as well. She is super nice! and she i already down there and absolutely LOVIN it! so I cannot wait!

everythings pretty much packed. I am kinda scared to leave but I really think Im going to love it! we'll see..

With Love

too early...

first of all its 9:41 AM. and its too early for me to be awake. I got like NO sleep last night, becuase Nick is leaving today. and that is just too much for me to be able to sleep. Hes been my best friend these past four years and no matter how long we went without talking, we can pick right back where we left off and be completely fine. Our relationship is amazing! and I cannot describe it in words. I am very upset he is leaving, especially so early. but he is going to Valdosta and he's going to have so much fun! As long as he makes good and healthy decisions. I am going to miss him so much, but being neighbors and all, I think we will see each other more than we think. plus, I am hoping to go down there to valdosta and stay with him for a night or something. I think that would be fun and plus its a night away from Mercer.

Well, here I go, off to say goodbye to another friend. I breaks my heart, but we were all meant to go our separate ways sometime..

With Love

break up.

Well Jeremy and I broke up. finally. actually, that sounds alittle harsh with finally. so lets try this again.

Jeremy and I broke up. thankfully. I honestly was not happy. at all. Our relationship at first was awesome! we got along so well and made each other so happy but then we started to show our true colors and it just went downhill from there... It all happened about 4 days ago (8.4.2010) and I think I am happier this way. for sure.

anyways, for now I think I have been feeling some old feelings for other people and its scaring me. going back to that place. the person I love. I spent SO much time with. starting my ED with. enjoying myself and being truly happy. thats scary and very unreal right now and I dont know how to feel exactly. good and bad and indifferent all at the same time. mhmm. we'll see how it all plays out..

tonight: menchies with enloe.

tomorrow: coffee with stonaker

tonight and tomorrow and the next 12 days I am home: MAJOR packing and cleaning and stuff. for COLLLLLEEEGEEE! woooo :)

get excited. I sure am.

What to do?

Oh man..

these past few days. even weeks. have been extremely stressful and I honestly do not know what to do. I am confused beyond belief.

First, I feel like I need space. from everyone. like Im being smothered by my family and other people. my relationships in my life are not strong at all. and its hard. especially with me leaving in about 18 days. like what am I supposed to do? becuase I cannot handle this in college. no way.

jeremy and I arent doing so good. I think we are just on different pages and lately its been really effecting us and our relationship. I feel somewhat scared I guess..idk. we are honestly wanting different things and its not working out. and I tried to tell him that and he doesnt get it. like tonight I called him after we are on out "break" and he acted like a total douche to me. why? i was the one who worked up the courage to call you. to fix this. to talk to you. to make some kinda communication. and you shot me down like that? thats not okay. i have a very negative htought process with this sometimes. I dont know why... I think that has something to do with my ED. everything since then has changed. i am different. my relationships were different. Robert and I were perfect and everyone since then has just dissappointed me. why is that? are my standards just too high? what is going on with me. I feel like I battle myself everyday. I feel like I am not the same. I hope that going ot college will change me. and I can become myself again. please. I want it all back. my whole happy life.

Things need to change. and I need to stop dragging jeremy along. he is a great guy and doesnt deserve this. he deserves to be treated a lot nicer than this. and thats what hes gonna get.

unless we can work this all out, I think its time...

uhh why is life so hard.

i just need a good cry. every once in awhile its helpful. I will be ok. I will get through this. I deserve the best in life. I deserve life.

With Love

Big Apple

Heyyy thereee! Right now I am writing from NEW YORK :) I do love it here

So far, we have gone shopping and I got tons of new stuff. A Big Coach bag, Coach Sunglasses and wallet, Ralph Lauren shirts and shorts and Running Shorts from Under Armor. Ahhh..I love it up here as for shopping. Now for the stress aspect of it, its hell. no joke. just with all the people to see and the kids crying and running around, its hard. and I hate it sometimes. but not all of it can be good.

So I saw Dan. oh man. It was good to see him again. but hard at the same time. I guess I did like him last year. but I lied to myself because of Colton. Nothing happened, thank goodness. I learned my lesson though so if he tried, I would know so much better. His girlfriend pretty much hates me. and it's annoying. but hey, she is just jealous of me :) whatevvvs. and let's see, I dont think I am ever gonna see him again. but I guess thats good?

I really don't wanna go to Delaware. I kinda just wanna go home. and see all my friends. I know the beach trip is gonna be fun plus I need to be tan and get some color back, especially on my neck and collarbones and such. yayy.

I guess thats it for now. Oh yeah, Jessica Hess is officially my Roommate at Mercer for our first yearrrr! yayy haha

well bye bye for now. until later...

With Love

...

tired. its 3:39 AM and I am still awake. need to sleep. like now. ughh..

summers been great though. much details laterrr!

With Love

Aless

The Gym.

Well lately I have been doing like absolutely nothing and I am so unbelievably bored.. But this week I am working alot because I got scheduled alot! which is good. So I work Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I am gonna make bank. I am excited!

Well today I actually got up early and first went to the bank and deposited some money into my account :) Then I went to the gym and worked out for a little bit. I saw my old friend there which was weird but I didn't say anything to her... I decided to stop biking because that was only gonna give me bigger legs which I didn't want. at all. So I am trying out the elliptical. and we'll see what results I get with it. I love going to the gym because its fun. I can release some stress and get exercise at the same time!

This weekend I was thinking maybe Six Flags, World of Coke, or the Zoo? maybee something fun to do for Jeremy and I and whoever else comes along.

My Orientation at Mercer is June 25th. It's coming up fastttt! But I cannot wait! I finally get to meet my future roomate, Jessica, and find out stuff about classes and such. Its a bittersweet ending...

With Love

Full Life

I am currently watching my favorite show, FULL HOUSE, and I love it! So I am dedicating this post to the show, hence the title, Full Life.

So Summer has been so lazyyyy. its kinda ridiculous how much I just lay around. So I decided to work out everyday. within moderation. but I feel like its getting to my head. like I am gonna go back on my old habits. I can notice somewhat a difference in fitting back into my old shorts, which is good because they wouldnt fit for awhile... which hurt me and my thought process.

well this weekend is gonna be sweeet again. I have a work meeting on Saturday at noon..ughh.. but then I think we are gonna go to Stone Mountain with Jeremy and Double-A. it should be a blast. I love hiking that trail. It feels so good once you get to the top! accomplishmenttts!

and I got my grades in the mail, and I passed everything!!! I just send out all my thank you notes from my graduation, phew did that take a long time! ughh...

Well today should be fun! I am excited to spend time with Jeremy again, now that he is back from Alabamaaaa. maybe hanging out with Kyle and otherss...we'll see!!

ROUND THREEE

So on Saturday night we went to the ROUND THREE: OUTERSPACE PARTY. woahhh it was ridiculous, again, of course. like 45894375894372 degrees in there but worthwhile. I think I enjoyed the second one better but this one was still fun...besides the rude comments from immature sophomore bitchesss. cant stand em'.

well today Jeremy leaves for a work trip to Alabama for like 4 days :( but I will be able to talk to him and stuff so thats good. thank goodnessss. I am working tonightt and I close but whatevss. then I work Wednesday too. but I open then, so its not bad at allllll!

well, I am gonna get ready. I have been soooo lazy, but I love it. haha

With Love

Sweet Summertime

So lately, these past summer days have been absolutely incredible. sleeping in til 12. getting ready. going to the gym. relieving stress. then getting ready. and going out all night. and doing it ALL OVER AGAIN. haha its been funnn.

Lets see. Graduation parties yesterday and today. then tonight is ROUND THREEEE: OUTERSPACEE! Its gonna be sweeeeet. Its like downtown and a bunch of teenage kids go and huge massive party with music and such! like everyone from our school goes too! its just amazing. but you have to wear little to no clothes because it literally gets to be like 100000 degrees in there... I am super excited!

Jeremy and I are just simply greattt :) and friends are good. life is really good right now. for once. haha

OH OH OH. Snickers commercial made so much sense to me yesterday. It says "You're just not you when you are hungry!" Man, if something summed up my life back in the day, that would be it. It is so true. Going through all that I went through, that statement makes SO much sense, its not even funny. I was always pissed off and mad and irritable. its amazing what nourishment does to your body! anyway, well I am excited for tonight and I am sure there will be pictures up laterrr :)

With Love

Happiness.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am so unbelievably happy! Jeremy asked me to be his girlfriend last night!! 5.26.10

So I will tell you the story. haha. So I was working until like about 8:30, and then I got off and he was at the gym. so I went there and watched him and did a few like leg lifts. I like working out with him because he gives me motivation. So then we left there and went to Walmart with Alex and Ashlyn, or better known as DOUBLE A. haha its cuteeee :) So then they sat in the car and we went back to the LA FITNESS parking lot because thats where the cars were originally. So we got there and sat in the car for a little bit but it was uncomfortable so we got out and laid in the parking lot on the concrete like in the movies. it was like my dreammm. and then we sat there and talked and looked at the stars that weren't in the skyyy. ahha. and coincidentally, there was a WAHO next door and people came out and yelled "YALL ARE GIVING WAFFLE HOUSE A SHOW!" It was hilarious. I wasn't sure if they were being funny or not, but it doesn't really matter to me. we were having fun! So then I worked up the courage to ask him about what he had said to Ashyln because she asked him about "us" being official and what not. and he was like I like you a lot and you make me really happy, but I am concerned about your parents. which I was too at the time because they didnt know he was 21... but I told them he was a junior in college so I guess they could figure it out. and he was like "well then, will you be my girlfriend?" and I just went "awwwww, yes of coursee!" I could not stop smiling for the life of me. He makes me so happy. just being with him and talking to him. Hes so mature and smart. unlike all the high school boys. they are so immature and have no clue what they wanna do. I hate that. He's nice and kind and RESPECTFUL. shockkkerrr! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us! I am truly happy right now! Thank gooodness!

Yes, of course. I am going off to college and theres gonna be parties and temptations, but thats where I need to have my strength the most. to be able to say no. and I know I can do it! We'll address that subject later when it really matters!

Well of course, I am seeing him tonighttt :) like always. and theres a hugeee weekend ahead of us thats gonna be sweeeeet! I am pumped!

With Love

Sun is shining.

Well these past few days of summer have been incredible! I am gonna revaluate me life and my actions for summer!

Ive been fishing like a billion times, thanks to jeremy and alex. I do have fun. besides all the bug bites :( those suckkk.

Today, I signed up at LA FITNESS. I am gonna try to start and get back on track with working out, but definitely in moderation. everything has gotta be in moderation, especially with my thought process. I can do it though! I've done things in my life that I have no clue how I did it, but I did. Jeremy also goes to LA so that will be some motivation for me to go. I love the gym though. its very clean and the atmosphere isn't all old people like Bally's. THANK YOU. haha

Tonight I have work, which is always a blast. well, sometimes. I don't mind my job, because it could be worst. but sometimes things there just piss me off. and the people that come in and want to sit in a certain place when you had no intentions of bringing them there. yeah thats frustrating... but I just smile and brush it off.

someone asked me, "why do you smile so much?"

thinking about my answer, I have INFINITE reasons to smile. I am alive healthy. I have the best family and friends you could ever want. I am loved! I just graduated High School and I am beginning to start a whole new chapter of this journey called life! and in the end, God loves me :) haha that sounds cheesy, but its true!

Well I am going to get ready for work! I am super excited for this weekend ahead of me, its gonna be sweeeeeet!

With Love

DONE.

So this past weekend, Friday, May 21st, 2010, I and the 500 fellow classmates were pronounced Roswell High School Graduates! ahhh.... It was so exciting. Being able to walk across the stage, get the diploma, and throw my hat up in the air with all these other people Ive been with for like 5 years. It still really hasnt hit me yet that I wont be coming back next year but I am sure it will soon!

(Left to Right: My dad, My brother, Me, and My mom)

Anyway, so summer is hereee! and I am unveievably excited for all the amazing things I am going to do! So far, Ive been fishing alot. I had my Grad party on Saturday, which was fun! Then Zia, Frankie (3 yrs) Joseph (~2yrs), Nonno, and Franca left yesterday morning! I loved them here, don't get me wrong, but having the house quiet now is so relaxing and feels right. It being so loud and chaotic was really bothering me.

With Love