Sleeeeep

Cant sleep! I will be driving down to Mercer today!

Move in to college! start my new life..

goodbyes tonight were too hard. I dont know how I am going to deal with this...I love all my friends so much and really didnt want to have to say goodbye this soon...

I will miss them so much!

With Love

2.

Ahhhh..This all feels so surreal!

I have 2 days left in Roswell, Ga.

2 days to say all my goodbyes.

2 days to prepare myself for the best years of my life.

2 days to convince myself this isn't a dream.

2 days to be ready, because ready or not, here it all comes.

crazy.

well I went for my check up with Dr. Steele. we have our love-hate relationship, but whatever! Umm..I found out that I am positive for anemia. very positive. for my age, it should be between 12-16% for hemoglobin count. mine was 9.7%. she said that if it was anywhere near 6%, I would have been admitted to the hospital. That was another one of those frightening moments in my life. goodness. So I got bloodwork done and we're gonna find out where it is coming from or what is causing it. Basically, my Iron levels are low. Which I believe is from lack of Iron intake. almost positive. I need to work on that. We talked about my ED. I need to fix it. Ive got the weight and everything under control now just need to work on my mindset. Which theres counseling at college and possibly thinking about going to that. maybe it will help me out! we'll see how I feel about that later.

I am going to have a sleepover with taylor and jessica and nathan tonight with jersey shore! ahh..our last one :( thats so depressing. jeez..it scares me so much!

I hope that I am ok to say goodbye to them. they really have been there for me no matter what these past couple months and I cannot thank them enough! its been a crazy ride! well worth it though!

I am gonna miss everyone so much! But Ive been talking to this girl, Elizabeth Cope, who is going to Mercer as well. She is super nice! and she i already down there and absolutely LOVIN it! so I cannot wait!

everythings pretty much packed. I am kinda scared to leave but I really think Im going to love it! we'll see..

With Love

too early...

first of all its 9:41 AM. and its too early for me to be awake. I got like NO sleep last night, becuase Nick is leaving today. and that is just too much for me to be able to sleep. Hes been my best friend these past four years and no matter how long we went without talking, we can pick right back where we left off and be completely fine. Our relationship is amazing! and I cannot describe it in words. I am very upset he is leaving, especially so early. but he is going to Valdosta and he's going to have so much fun! As long as he makes good and healthy decisions. I am going to miss him so much, but being neighbors and all, I think we will see each other more than we think. plus, I am hoping to go down there to valdosta and stay with him for a night or something. I think that would be fun and plus its a night away from Mercer.

Well, here I go, off to say goodbye to another friend. I breaks my heart, but we were all meant to go our separate ways sometime..

With Love

break up.

Well Jeremy and I broke up. finally. actually, that sounds alittle harsh with finally. so lets try this again.

Jeremy and I broke up. thankfully. I honestly was not happy. at all. Our relationship at first was awesome! we got along so well and made each other so happy but then we started to show our true colors and it just went downhill from there... It all happened about 4 days ago (8.4.2010) and I think I am happier this way. for sure.

anyways, for now I think I have been feeling some old feelings for other people and its scaring me. going back to that place. the person I love. I spent SO much time with. starting my ED with. enjoying myself and being truly happy. thats scary and very unreal right now and I dont know how to feel exactly. good and bad and indifferent all at the same time. mhmm. we'll see how it all plays out..

tonight: menchies with enloe.

tomorrow: coffee with stonaker

tonight and tomorrow and the next 12 days I am home: MAJOR packing and cleaning and stuff. for COLLLLLEEEGEEE! woooo :)

get excited. I sure am.

What to do?

Oh man..

these past few days. even weeks. have been extremely stressful and I honestly do not know what to do. I am confused beyond belief.

First, I feel like I need space. from everyone. like Im being smothered by my family and other people. my relationships in my life are not strong at all. and its hard. especially with me leaving in about 18 days. like what am I supposed to do? becuase I cannot handle this in college. no way.

jeremy and I arent doing so good. I think we are just on different pages and lately its been really effecting us and our relationship. I feel somewhat scared I guess..idk. we are honestly wanting different things and its not working out. and I tried to tell him that and he doesnt get it. like tonight I called him after we are on out "break" and he acted like a total douche to me. why? i was the one who worked up the courage to call you. to fix this. to talk to you. to make some kinda communication. and you shot me down like that? thats not okay. i have a very negative htought process with this sometimes. I dont know why... I think that has something to do with my ED. everything since then has changed. i am different. my relationships were different. Robert and I were perfect and everyone since then has just dissappointed me. why is that? are my standards just too high? what is going on with me. I feel like I battle myself everyday. I feel like I am not the same. I hope that going ot college will change me. and I can become myself again. please. I want it all back. my whole happy life.

Things need to change. and I need to stop dragging jeremy along. he is a great guy and doesnt deserve this. he deserves to be treated a lot nicer than this. and thats what hes gonna get.

unless we can work this all out, I think its time...

uhh why is life so hard.

i just need a good cry. every once in awhile its helpful. I will be ok. I will get through this. I deserve the best in life. I deserve life.

With Love